When Barn Parties Go Bad

Just about anyone who has watched a sporting event on television over the past few months has undoubtedly seen the Budweiser “Coming Home” Commercial. This commercial should be a slam dunk, a soldier on active duty returning home tohis friends and family who throw him a sweet ass barn party complete with all of the fantastic Budweiser products. But, despite all of this I have a very big problem with this commercial.

So, take a look for yourself and try and see if you can figure out why this commercial drives me so insane. And just to get it out of the way: no, it has nothing to do with politics or any stupid bullshit like that. Similarly, this has nothing to do with the assertion put forth by the Huffington Post and several other websites, that this commercial has a gay rights or repeal Don’t Ask Don’t Tell undertone. Those two dudes could have started frenching as soon as they saw each other for all I cared, I still would’ve hated the commercial for entirely different reasons. I am taking this commercial simply at its stupid face value, and I have found a very fundamental problem.

Where the fuck are all these assholes waiting in the barn when the soldier is waiting out by the bus stop? And better yet, what type of backwoods shithole are they in that his trip home requires a flight, train ride, and a bus ride. Clearly, our guest of honor has spent the past day or two traversing the globe via a gambit of horrific transportation options. Why can’t just one of those jerks at the barn take a break from light hanging to pick up their friend at the airport and bring him to the sweet ass barn party (and by this point in the commercial, it is admittedly starting to look pretty sweet ass)? Why do they make him stand outside the bus station twiddling his thumbs carrying that giant rucksack, and presumably walk all the way to said barn party?

I’m sure the most common explanation for why everyone would make our hero walk to the barn party is that it was supposed to be a surprise. But that is complete bullshit and anyone trumpeting that explanation is stupid. The surprise aspect of the surprise party would have been way more effective if one person, ideally the barn owner or someone of relation to barn owner, picked up our hero at the airport and then made up some stupid reason for our hero to check out the sweet ass barn with him, then: BAM! Surprise! It’s sweet ass barn party time.

Now if their goal was to piss off our hero and make him think they didn’t give a shit about his return, well then mission accomplished. And if that is the case, then these people are worse than I thought. Acting like you forgot about an important occasion can be funny, but that move is appropriate for a birthday or some other stupid occasion. When death was a possible outcome for the guest of honor, everyone in his hometown should probably just act happy to see him…alive.

Anyways, lets move on to the hug recipients: first is brother/best friend/gentleman lover who excitedly exclaims, “when?” in response to hearing our hero is coming home. Unfortunately for our hero he is evidently more excited to set up a barn party than his actual return because brother/best friend/big spoon obviously cannot bother to pick him up from any of the sundry transit centers. What a dick.

Next is the pretty girl that I can only assume is his girlfriend/beard followed by his mom.  And this is where the commercial goes from silly, to enraging.

Here is my reaction to merely watching this transpire. “Oh you have got to be shitting me, Budweiser. You want me to believe that his parents and his girlfriend/beard chose to go along with brother/best friend/domestic partner’s stupid plan to make our hero walk home? Bullshit.”

There is simply no way that would ever happen, unless again, everyone in this shithole town is truly an asshole. And, even so, can you imagine that walk home where our hero must think that not only has brother/best friend/power bottom abandoned him, but so have his parents and his girlfriend/beard.

This is what I imagine the interaction would actually be like when the soldier arrived at the barn party:

Soldier:          Hey brother/best friend/cherished lover, thanks so much for the sweet ass barn party, but seriously, where the fuck were you? I waited outside that goddam bus station for an hour like an asshole and carrying this heavy ass bag. Then, you make me walk all the way to this sweet ass barn carrying said bag?

Bro/BF:         It was supposed to be a surprise…

Soldier:          A Surprise????  Fuck you, brother/best friend/soul mate, seriously fuck you… Oh, I see what’s going on

Bro/BF:         Yeah man, it’s a surprise party. Oh, I thought you were seriously angry for a second there.

Soldier:          Yeah, I see what’s going on…you fucked my girlfriend/beard, didn’t you? I’ve seen  the movie “Brothers!”

Bro/BF:         Wait…What? “Brothers?” What is that?

Soldier:          You know, that Jake Gyllenhaal movie where…

Bro/BF:         Oh, you mean Jarhead don’t you?

Soldier:          No, I don’t mean Jarhead! I mean “Brothers!” Did no one see that movie? (Everyone stares blankly) well fine Jarhead works doesn’t it? I’m pretty sure Jake Gyllenhaal loses his girlfriend in Jarhead right?

Bro/BF:         Yep. His girlfriend was with someone else when Jake Gyllenhaal got back from the war.

Soldier:          HA!!! You admit it then. That’s why no one picked me up at the airport, train station, nor bus station? You two have been fucking this whole time haven’t you? And now you tried to hide behind this barn party.

Mom:              No, honey it was…

Soldier:          Stay out of this Mom!!!!!…..I swear to God, if you were here fucking my girlfriend this whole time when I am over there, the least you could have done is pick me up from the goddam bus station. Fuck all of you guys, and enjoy this sweet ass barn party without me, you shitheads. (Soldier storms out and gets a running start in order to attempt to slam the giant barn door)

–And Scene—

Again, this should all be a nice and uplifting commercial, and instead I am left imagining completely made up fights between fictional characters in a beer commercial. Now that may reflect more on me than the quality of the commercial, but all I know is that if I were in the shoes of our hero, I would have absolutely lost my shit on that walk home and would have been motherfucking every single person from that god-awful town which apparently requires every possible mode of transportation besides kayaking to travel to.

Budweiser: serving those who serve us….and allowing friends of those who serve to act like total assholes as long as they bought beer.

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