An Open Letter to Cory Matthews (aka Ben Savage)

It has recently come to my attention that you may or may not be the beneficiary of the world’s most absurd relationship rebound. I speak of course about the recent rumors circulating that you and Kristin Cavallari are an item. Is this true? I believe everything I read on the internet so I assume that yes, yes it is. This is shocking if for no other reason than I assumed the Savage family reproduced asexually. I’ve spent my morning wondering how this could be possible. The only logical conclusion is that God, karma, or whatever powers that be just really hate Jay Cutler.