An Open Letter to Cory Matthews (aka Ben Savage)
An Open Letter To Cory Matthews:
Dear Cory Matthews,
It has recently come to my attention that you may or may not be the beneficiary of the world’s most absurd relationship rebound. I speak of course about the recent rumors circulating that you and Kristin Cavallari are an item. Is this true? I believe everything I read on the internet so I assume that yes, yes it is. This is shocking if for no other reason than I assumed the Savage family reproduced asexually. I’ve spent my morning wondering how this could be possible. The only logical conclusion is that God, karma, or whatever powers that be just really hate Jay Cutler.
Eventually God’s chosen quarterback, Tim Tebow, will take over the Broncos offense and lead them to seven consecutive Super Bowl titles. But until then, know that you having sex with Kristin Cavallari is the worst punishment the universe could think up for Jay Cutler. That and the fact that Cutler will be forced to endure history’s most awful post break up shame while unable to consume the appropriate amount of ice cream and alcohol without risking forever slipping into a diabetic coma. To reiterate, God really fucking hates Jay Cutler.
But enough about fat quarterback Justin Bieber. I’m addressing you Cory. You’ve been given quite the gift by the fates. Sure Kristin Cavallari seems like a shallow reality TV bitch, and no doubt you’re made to sleep at the foot of the bed after routine post-coital belittlings, but still…
Listen to Tom Hanks, Cory. You need to earn this. At the very least, take it for all it’s worth. Cling, be desperate, hold on as long as you can. The last time I heard your real name the person who said it wasn’t even technically saying it. They said “Man the weather’s been savage lately.” But I still thought of you. When I did I had hoped you took whatever cash you made from “Boy Meets World” and were living comfortably, plowing through every moderately attractive female TGIF fan in Cleveland or somewhere like that. But there you are, still in L.A., making sweet undeserved love to a once great reality starlet.
When karma decides to stop making Kristin Cavallari a (somewhat) innocent victim and opens her eyes, be prepared. By that I of course mean have naked pictures that you took of her while she forgot you were in the room even though you were standing right next to her. I actually don’t advise selling them to the paparazzi. You’re too nice for that anyway, you’re Cory Matthews! The only Philadelphia Phillies fan whose batteries missed J.D. Drew on purpose. But keep them for yourself. Keep them to remind you of the better times. Keep them to shut Ryder Strong the fuck up whenever he brags about the seventeen way he had at his prom.
This won’t last forever you undeserving son of a bitch. But as much as I want to be angry at you, I can’t. Don’t hate the player hate the game, right? So live it up Cory. Live it up.