An Open Letter to Cory Matthews (aka Ben Savage)

It has recently come to my attention that you may or may not be the beneficiary of the world’s most absurd relationship rebound. I speak of course about the recent rumors circulating that you and Kristin Cavallari are an item. Is this true? I believe everything I read on the internet so I assume that yes, yes it is. This is shocking if for no other reason than I assumed the Savage family reproduced asexually. I’ve spent my morning wondering how this could be possible. The only logical conclusion is that God, karma, or whatever powers that be just really hate Jay Cutler.

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Alex Trebek Will Choke a Bitch

In case anyone missed it last week, Jeopardy host and consummate badass Alex Trebek had his San Francisco hotel room robbed by the Blair Witch. How did Trebek respond? Considering that he’s in his 70’s I think we’d all understand if he barricaded himself in the bathroom, furiously pounding his Life Alert button while he … Continue reading

Thought Catalog Douche of the Week

This is a new weekly(ish) segment called “Thought Catalog Douche of the Week.” The first Thought Catalog article I deconstructed I assumed to be an aberration. Apparently though that site has publishing standards almost as low as ours.  Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy Thought Catalog. There are some really wonderful articles on that … Continue reading

WARMageddon 2011- Survival Guide

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, although that theory does not always prove to be true. For example: when you give a casino security guard a weak, drunken shove and try and make off with $35 worth of chips they aren’t necessarily bound by the laws of physics to weakly shove … Continue reading

WARMageddon 2011- The Official “Hot as the Devil’s [insert genetalia]” Scale

WARMageddon 2011 is in full swing. One thing you hear a lot when it’s hot out is something to the effect of “it’s as hot as the devil’s balls out here.” What’s always bothered me about a statement like that, aside from the fact that whoever is saying that has obviously never handled the devil’s … Continue reading

Deconstructing a Douchebag

UPDATE It was brought to my attention that the author of the article skewered below has responded to this post (kind of, mentioned is more like it). When I cruised on over to “Exile in the Lou” to see what he had said I was sad to see that his response was civil, gracious even. … Continue reading

Beer League Softball: Putting the “Angry” in Angry Drunk Summer After Summer

Thousands of poems, books, and films have been dedicated to the sport of baseball, and rightfully so.  It is America’s pastime. A game handed down from generation to generation, beloved by father and son.  Some say it captures the American spirit.  As Susan Sarandon once said Walt Whitman said: I see great things in baseball.  … Continue reading

Greatest Newspaper Ever? Greatest Newspaper Ever.

They say print is dead, clearly whoever they are have not heard of the “St. Louis Evening Whirl.”  The Whirl is a thriving piece of print journalism focused solely on the reporting of urban crime.  After all, isn’t that what sells papers anyway? Only nerds read about government shutdowns and Middle Eastern protests. Why try … Continue reading

We’re Back! And with Some Class (or a Poop Story)

Rejoice, rejoice, the hiatus is over.  Why did we take a hiatus? Well technically only I took a hiatus, all the other writers just took my short absence as a cue to stop writing (thanks guys).  Honestly though I’m sure you’re all wondering to yourselves, “How hard is it to write some Goddamn dick jokes … Continue reading

If Anyone Can Get Through This Disaster, It’s the Japanese

After watching about eight dozen videos of the Japanese earthquake and tsunami, I’m not really sure how anyone is still alive over there. Only a country where everyone has at least recessive ninja DNA could have handled a disaster of that magnitude the way the Japanese people are currently.   The Japanese coast makes post-Katrina New … Continue reading

Charlie Sheen, Please Don’t Stop Winning

I don’t like to beat a dead horse (figuratively that is, literally beating a dead horse rules) but I have to talk about Charlie Sheen again.  This post is meant as a plea.  Not a plea for Charlie Sheen to seek help, or stop his behavior, or consider his children.  This is a plea for … Continue reading

Photo of the Arbitrary Time Period

Since we don’t technically do a “Photo of the Day” I figured it wouldn’t be right to classify this picture as that.  Regardless of how you want to label the picture below, you can only describe it as awesome. I like to think whatever wonderful human being that parked here was either the world’s most … Continue reading

The Diamond Thief Proposal

The other day I stumbled across an old high school friend’s wedding website.  He is currently engaged and is set to be married this summer. The wedding site seemed pretty standard. A place to blog, info on the ceremony and accomodations, etc.  There was even an entire page dedicated to the proposal.  The page shares … Continue reading

Huckabee v. Portman: Finally a Good Reason to Side with the Hot One

Mike Huckabee, I used to like you, not as a presidential candidate, God no not as that.  But despite your belief that evolution was as fictional as Harry Potter (which I assume you also loathe) I thought you were a nice guy.  The kind of guy it would be fun to sit down and have … Continue reading

An HP Laptop is to Computers What the Challenger was to Space Shuttles

Hewlett-Packard, get fucked. Get fucked SO hard…in an uncomfortable way. For the last two years I have owned an HP laptop. For the last year it has been quickly decomposing. The other day it finally died. The thing was barely two years old.

They Were Simpler Times

Look at that these pictures, those were the good old days weren’t they? Well not if you were black or a woman or anything other than white, and even then still not Irish either. I’d include gays on that list but back then science said they didn’t exist or something. The 19-aughts may not have … Continue reading

Attention South Africa, Smoking AIDS Meds and Rat Poison Won’t Get You High, That is All

I think I just found my anti-drug. Apparently in South Africa, drug addicts are stealing the medication of people infected with HIV and AIDS, combining the medicine (Anti-retroviral Stocrin) with detergent and rat poison and lacing their joints with it. Don’t worry I had to reread that too.  The addicts believe the drug, combined with … Continue reading

The Best of February

  In case for some reason you missed any of the brilliant articles we wrote during the most depressing month of the year, here they are: My Snowpocalypse Diary The personal diary I kept while attempting to survive the epic Snowpocalypse of 2011. Spoiler alert, I died and all posts published since have been authored … Continue reading

If You Insist on Getting Caught Cheating, Just Get Your Secretary Pregnant

Recently a news story aired in my area that caught my attention. It was the kind of story that local network news would cover. A topical story with a scandalous twist that had an appeal suited perfectly to the 30 and up viewers that local news aims for. The topic was “Did spouses get caught … Continue reading

Charlie Sheen Exposes the Truth About Vatican Assassins

Another tale detailing the exploits of Vatican Assassins has been written by our own Domino Cortez. Thursday February 24th, Charlie Sheen unleashed a rant of epic proportions. Charlie Sheen’s rant was a twisting jumble of arrogant and outlandish claims and crazed accusations…or so it would seem.  To the untrained ear Charlie Sheen’s rant was nothing … Continue reading