WARMageddon 2011- Survival Guide

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, although that theory does not always prove to be true. For example: when you give a casino security guard a weak, drunken shove and try and make off with $35 worth of chips they aren’t necessarily bound by the laws of physics to weakly shove you back. They might instead beat you mercilessly in the back room with a hammer. My recently awakened demons aside, what I’m actually trying to talk about is the weather.

The United States is in the middle of a monster heat wave that’s been dubbed by many (see also: me) as WARMageddon 2011. I believe that this heat wave is a reaction, a reaction to the snowpocalypse that took a fat, wintry dump on the country only 5 or so months ago. Of course that snowpocalypse was well documented here on this site. Not only did we break down what to expect during the snowpocalypse, but also many, vastly different, experiences during the white nightmare*.

*I’m legally obligated to inform you that “white nightmare” is a trademarked nickname currently being fought over in court by 17 different MMA fighters who are of varying degrees of racist.

A WARMageddon poses as many dangers as the snowpocalypse, albeit vastly different ones. Either way, it’s important that you’re prepared to stave off your inevitable hot, sweaty death for as long as possible. So without further ado here is the essential survival guide for WARMageddon 2011.

Dehydration: Drink water…it’s free.

Diarrhea: In extreme temperatures poop begins to melt within the body, thus diarrhea. I’m almost positive it’s why I had the runs for the entirety of my two week trip to Guatemala.  (Side note: Guatemalan water is delicious, it has a nice, earthy, gamey taste to it.)  There isn’t actually anything you can do about this, just thought I’d throw it out there.

Staying Cool: I understand that not everyone has air conditioning, although my first piece of advice would be to BUY AN AIR CONDITIONER. If that seventy dollar option is somehow off the table, there are alternatives. Go to a grocery store and hide in the bathroom. I’d recommend avoiding WalMarts if only because they’re legally allowed to capture and indenture trespassers. That said, stores not run by the fallen angel who is currently rubbing his taint across the heartland should be fine.

Go to the magazine section and grab a Sports Illustrated, O Magazine, or whatever passes for periodical aisle porno nowadays and hang out in a  bathroom stall. You can also take breaks by wandering the store. One concern is that employees may catch on to your ruse. There are two sure fire ways to avoid this. The first and most effective option is to bring a back pack with changes of pants and/or shoes.  In a bathroom stall that’s the equivalent of having facial reconstructive surgery. The second option is to act as if you’re taking an extremely labored shit. Scream and grunt. Curse both the gods and your anus. Blame the buffet in the deli section. This should buy you some time.

Beware of both overzealous grocery store employees and insistent, foot tapping perverts. I’m not going to lie, you might have to give a quick squeezer in order to maintain your cover. But don’t fret, if you’re lucky you’ll end up “glad handing” a famous local politician, or this guy. 

Zombie Hobos: No they aren’t actually zombies, and they don’t technically have to be hobos, but yeah they’re mostly hobos. More than anyone else though the hobo is in danger of being constantly exposed to the heat. Overexposure leads to dehydration and heat stroke. Heat stroke leads to hallucination. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from cartoons it’s that when hobos hallucinate they tend to imagine people as drumsticks or pie or somethingbecause they’re hungry.

The zombie hobos, although not undead, will still crave your flesh, because they think it’s actually the flesh of a honey glazed ham. Are a lot of people attacked by flesh hungry zombie hobos? My first thought is yes, yes there are…

Fortunately zombie hobos are slow and easy to avoid. Be careful walking around corners and near dumpsters. Also do NOT kill the zombie hobos. That’s still murder, at the very least a hefty manslaughter charge. There’s a lot of red tape holding up this theory from becoming an official science fact. But when it does, feel free to go nuts.

Chupacabras: the creature thought to be the one thing truly standing in the way of goat herding becoming a profitable industry.

Chupacabras: WARMageddon, just like the snowpocalypse, has a mythical beast that comes along with it. It’s a relatively small beast, known as “the Mexican goat killer” (incidentally a rejected nickname for Joakim Soria) the chupacabra only advances this far north out of Mexico when the weather is spicy enough. They slowly drain the blood (and presumably the soul) out of their victims. While a yeti attack is fierce and messy, chupacabras tend to inflict a “death by a thousand cuts.”  In that aside from razor sharp claws, they also each carry small stone Aztec blades that they use to bleed their victims. If you’ve been shanked by a chupacabra, it’s already too late.

The call of the chupacabra is an unmistakable shriek that sounds like a cross between a bat and the opening vocals to Led Zeppelin’s “Immigrant Song.” Identifying this call can be the difference between life and death.  Avoid being outside and alone at night, and if necessary carry a goat with you at all times to distract the chupacabras from your person. Preferably a baby goat, the cuter the better.

If you find yourself backed into a corner, surrounded by a half dozen blood thirsty chupacabras and are forced to fight, remember two things:

  1. Don’t be a hero. In fact the more frightened you are, the better. Chupacabras can sense your fear, which is a good thing, because human fear is an extreme chupacabra aphrodisiac.  Start crying, even pee your pants a little bit. With any luck all the chupacabras around you will start boning and you can make a run for it. This is the primary reason fainting goats have survived for so long.
  2. Although chupacabras have a nearly unquenchable blood thirst, they also have quite the sweet tooth(fang?). Carry some maple syrup or Hershey’s chocolate sauce with you at all times. More often than not you should be able distract them with the sweet treat. Chupacabras are like unwanted children, they might seem like they’re out to destroy your life, but in the end they’re more interested in dessert.

Don’t Be Old: And if you are, see #2, because right now AC is more important than your heart meds. It’s a tough economy, we all have to make hard choices. You think I like choosing between drinking and paying my student loans? I don’t, but I made the tough call, which is why unless Citibank opens a bar they aren’t getting a dime from me. But seriously, go check on your grandmas.  They should be allowed to die with dignity (i.e. alone in a miserable nursing home ten years from now), not being slow roasted in their apartment.

One Response to “WARMageddon 2011- Survival Guide”
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  1. […] what it would be like if I were boring, I’d probably be a pretty fucking boring person. Instead I just wonder whether or not chupacabras like sweets. Not sure if that makes me boring, it might make me retarded […]

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